There are no words

There are no words to describe the status of our household tonight. Silence. Tissues. Tears. Grief. Sadness. Anger. Questions. Heartbreak. Confusion. Devastated. Nope - none of those come close. There just aren't words.

Late this afternoon, Dave saw an incoming call from our Adoption Agency. He quickly picked it up, thinking it was the call we've been waiting for - notification of our Court Date. He answered the phone in his friendly way, asking our Social Worker how she was. She stated that she wasn't doing well and had some bad news. Through tears, she explained that she had been notified today that the two children we were waiting to bring home, and already loved more than we can explain, had been taken back into custody by their birthmother. Yes, you read that correctly. And, NO, our agency has never had this happen in their Ethiopia Adoption Program. This is the first time. Ever.

Dave came to school and picked Vicki up and we went to a park so that he could share the news and only God and the nature around us could hear our weeping. We then had to come home and share the news with the current Jansen children. More weeping. More anger. More sorrow. More tears. And so it has continued since then.

We certainly do not understand any of this. It is not easy to surrender a child in Ethiopia. There are many processes to go through and the birthmother had been to court and had witnesses with her to testify that she was destitute, beyond poor, and had no means by which to support these children any more. She testified that she was surrendering them willingly. We've seen all the paperwork, the testimonies, all of it. We do not understand.

If anyone would have told us when we started this process how much you can love a child that you've never met, we would not have fully believed them. The only thing we can even relate it to is a miscarriage (of which we've had two)......but this is a loss with pictures and faces, and medical reports and some life history and Names......names that we have prayed for multiple times a day. Names that were a part of our future as a family. Names that we were assigning beds to and plans to and names that were included in family discussions on a regular basis. Please be patient with us as we navigate this new road and please understand that you may not understand how much it hurts.

For now, we need some time to grieve and deal with this heartache. We need your prayers for all of us - it is hard enough to have this heartache ourselves, but we are watching our kids struggle with this heartache. It hurts deeply.

What we do know:

*God is smarter than we are and He must have a plan for those 2 beautiful kids and for our family's future.

*God is faithful and will heal our hearts.

*God is in control.

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.

O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;
I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
I will gather you and your children from east and west.
I will say to the north and south,
‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
from the distant corners of the earth.
Bring all who claim me as their God,
for I have made them for my glory.
It was I who created them.’”

Isaiah 43:1-7

Dave & Vicki